Musings

Hi Everyone!

This post has nothing to do with dogs (until you get to the end). I'm cooped up at home and my life with dogs is relegated to grooming, bathing, playing, and waiting for Secret to have puppies. In many ways, I am bored. I am generally an active person, used to going to work, being involved with co-workers, and facing challenges work has to offer. I miss it. I also miss going to training classes.

One thing I have been doing since I've been home babying my foot is thinking about work. Now you might think a few weeks away from the office would be a joy and, at first, I did like the time to rest, read, watch tv, etc. Besides, the doctor told me I was NOT SUPPOSED to do anything but lay around with my foot up. But, when that becomes your "job," the day stretches out forever sometimes. So, I've been thinking about work and young children and a topic of recent interest. To be brief, I am the Associate Director at the Center for Best Practices in Early Childhood at Western Illinois University. A great deal of the Center's work involves providing teachers with professional development opportunities to familiarize them with early childhood research-based practices and to encourage them to implement those practices. One topic I have recently become interested in involves Becky Bailey's "Conscious Discipline" and Jane Nelson's "Positive Discipline" approaches.

One recurring question Nelson asks is why do adults think they have to make children feel bad in order to get them to behave well? Good question! But think about it. We often expect children to be mind readers and automatically know what is expected of them. When they fall short of our expectations, we tend to yell, punish, or humiliate. As adults, if someone gives us a dressing down and tells us how terrible we are, what's our reaction? I don't know about you, but I shut down, get angry, sulk, and become the opposite of cooperative.

Bailey brings up a great point about how adults are experts at giving children precise information about what they do wrong, but little information about positive behavior. We just expect them to know what's "good." For example, let's say your 3-year old sits at the table and you serve her milk and cereal, saying "Be careful not to spill." When she does spill, as 3-year olds are known to do, you yell, "Oh my God, look what you've done. You spilled the milk1 I told you not to spill the milk! Now it's all over the clean floor and I'm going to have to waste time cleaning it up. You are so careless and clumsy!"

Notice…during that little tirade, you have (1) told your child what she has done, (2) described what the result was, and (3) and described her as "careless" and "clumsy" (bad). That seems to be the formula we use when we yell at kids.

What happens when children do something positive? What do we say? "Good job!" What meaning does that have? Not much when you hear it over and over. It becomes rather like hearing "How are you?" or "Have a good day!" — excellent sentiments but so overused they've become trite and meaningless.

Bailey suggests we use the same 3-step "formula" to reinforce children's good behavior. First, describe the deed…."Oh you put the dirty dishes in the sink." Then the result of the action…"Now the table is all cleaned up." Finish by describing the behavior…"You were so helpful! You made my job easier." You can see how this is more effective than "good job."

You've heard about affirmations? They are positive (or negative) things we tell ourselves over and over. Our brain believes them and responds accordingly. "I can't do *** (fill in the blank)." "I am never going to be *** (fill in the blank)" are examples of negative affirmations. Once when I said, "I don't know why I spend money on raffle tickets, I never win anything," a friend responded with, "And with an attitude like that, you never will." Hmmm… On the positive side, when we believe that we are helpful, honest, courageous, loving, easy to get along with, etc….our brain, our behavior supports those powerful beliefs and responds accordingly.

So, if we constantly use the negative formula to tell children they are bad, clumsy, stupid, dumb, careless…how do they grow up feeling positive about themselves? What if the mom whose child spilled the milk said, "Oh-oh. We need to clean that up!" and asked the child to help, then said, "Look, you and I wiped up the milk! The floor is clean again. You are such a good helper! We make a good team!" and follow it with a high five or a hug.

Again, this doesn't have much to do with dogs but it's where I am with my thoughts today.

By the way, I just finished reading The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski, a wonderful book that I'd recommend to people who like novels that feature dogs. The main character is a young boy whose family breeds and trains dogs. It's a great read! I'd also recommend Gwen Cooper's nonfiction book, Homer's Odyssey, about her life with 3 cats, one of which has no eyes. For those of you who know me well, do not despair…I'm also reading mystery and romance novels! LOL

Oh…and the good news today is that Secret went to the vet for her x-ray. She is carrying 7 puppies! Wow!! We'll be busy very soon!

Life is good when you have a Lhasa to love you!

Joyce